The One With The Slaps Of Reality

I’ve duly decided to end my post title this time with ‘Slaps of Reality’ in it (if you have not noticed, all my blog posts starts with ‘The One…’ and ends with something).

And I just got a few of those slaps.

You know how sometimes things just seem to be working against the reality in your life? I don’t know have a specific explanation or example, but when things go anti-reality in your life, it’s bound to be something you think it’s good right?  And when it feels good to be in that position, you just want to stay in that position for a little bit longer than you’re supposed to. Take for instance, the ‘snooze’ function in our alarm clocks.

You’re supposed to wake up at 6am, but you just feel so nice sleeping, and you start giving reasons in your head that you had a rough day yesterday, and you’re tired. Probably you need a bit more rest, and you hit the ‘snooze’ button. And as a result, you got up at 730am. And you blame the alarm clock/weather/bed/neighbor’s dog. Whatever it is but yourself.

Well, for me this time around, it is the similar case of me not realizing my position in my anti-reality moments and I got sucked in more than I’m supposed to. And the alarm clock here in my case is in the form of logics and reasonings around. And now I pay the price for being emotionally down and disturbed. Not hurt, but distracted in a sense…

Well the slaps are just enough to wake me up from my ‘sleep’. But then again, I really blame myself for knowingly letting myself go through all these things. I watched myself go through it. It’s like I watched myself getting run down-ed by a car over and over again. I have ample time to save myself from it, but I just didn’t want to.

Now I’m wrecked. But I’m still doing good. I’m feeling a little of pain in my heart, but I can still live with it.

Once I had a student (I taught tuition to primary kids last time), I can’t remember her name but she once asked me… “Kor kor Lam (I banned the word of ‘teacher’ from my classes…), why God allow us to suffer?”. And of course I replied the usuals like God is always right, God is testing us, building us up, the usual answers. But she said something which got me thinking.

“Then why people commit suicide in the end? Is it because God wants us to die as a solution to our problems?”

I couldn’t remember the answer I gave her. But I guess the thing we can see here is that if a young girl can ask questions on the logics and reasonings behind all the problems, I think most of us reading this can too and can understand that no problem given to us are  problems that we could not measure and beyond our capabilities.

In this case, I was really pushed to the edge. And it’s funny how short the time period this whole thing is.

In the words of someone famous ( I wanted to say Kanye West, but someone else said it first other than him), “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. It’s true.

But what was left of me is a void of what attempted to kill me previously. And I’m an empty shell now. And it hurts.

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